Well I'm back to posting after a couple days off...and just in time for Valentine's Day.
I had to run out to the store last night after work to pick up my gifts, which included a stuffed dolphin, a nice little card, and about a pound and a half of chocolate. Felicia's been sick too, so I picked up some Tylenol Cold formula as well. It occurred to me as I was checking out with my pound and a half of chocolate and cold formula (I had already gotten the card and stuffed animal elsewhere) that it probably looked like I was going to go home and get high off the medicine and then eat the hell out of that chocolate, but when you're got a sick fiance on the night before Valentine's Day I guess those things will happen.
If you haven't gotten your special someone anything yet, now would probably be a good time to pick up your Onion Work-Safe Valentine's Day E-Card. Single and ready to mingle? Let Smoove rock your body and world.
Of course, the Valentine's Day articles are everywhere today, including the following clever one from Radar:
Ah, Valentine's Day. What other holiday combines romance, obligatory gifts, and terrifying insights into your beloved's capacity for bad taste? The story is sadly familiar: You've started dating somebody, totally bonded over your shared love of the Nixon tapes transcripts, and then, come February 14, your potential life-partner gives you a chocolate penis. Or a NASCAR-themed token of affection (above). Or maybe a candlelit dinner for two at White Castle.
Some mistakes, of course, are forgivable. According to the National Retail Federation, Americans will be bullied into spending an estimated $16.9 billion this Valentine's, with those aged 25 to 34 blowing an average of $164. This marketing juggernaut—so different from Chinese Valentine's Day, aka "The Festival to Plead for Skills," which requires you merely to slice a melon proficiently—can trigger aberrant behavior. If your lover confronts you with heart-shaped measuring spoons, you can always chalk it up to over-excitement or a flaw in the frontal lobe. But nothing can excuse the following Valentine's gift ideas, which, frankly, set a whole new standard for implausibility. Presenting Radar's 24 Most Compelling Reasons to Re-Explore the Single Life...[READ MORE]
My favorite just might be the Heart-Shaped Potato.
And in a sports, Charles Alexander writes an open letter to his man crush, Peyton Manning, about his vehicle choice...
Dear Peyton,
You were my hero for a long, long time. I grew up in Tennessee cheering for the UT Volunteers. I rooted for you in the Gator Bowl, the Florida Citrus Bowl and the Orange Bowl. I stuck with you through all those brilliant but ultimately frustrating years with the Indianapolis Colts.
And finally I got to rejoice in your recent Super Bowl triumph. What a great night for me and my hero.
Then came your prize. No, not the Vince Lombardi championship trophy. I'm talking about the new Cadillac for being Super Bowl MVP. Since you could afford to buy any car on your own, you have to admit that you were shamelessly allowing yourself to be used in a corporate promotional stunt.
But that's not the real problem. Of all the Cadillac models offered, you chose an Escalade SUV. The new Escalade model that Consumer Reports recently tested got 9 miles per gallon in city driving. Now I know that you need to spend countless hours honing your passing and play-calling skills, and your favorite news show is probably ESPN's SportsCenter, but don't you know anything about current events? Don't you know that the more gasoline you burn, the greater your personal contribution to global warming, arguably the most serious threat to the future of civilization? Even if you rely on the scientific expertise of Rush Limbaugh and Michael Crichton, and therefore don't believe global warming is a problem, there are other factors to consider. Don't you know that the more gasoline you burn, the more money you put in the pockets of Iranians who allegedly send weapons to Iraqi insurgents to help kill our troops?
Ok, I know you need transportation. But why such a monster ride? You and your wife don't have children yet. How large is your posse?
Why, you might counter, am I picking on you? Yeah, I admit I'm shamelessly using your celebrity and unenlightened vehicle preference to make a point. I'm going after you because star athletes and gangsta rappers, who are also big fans of Escalades, are role models for many people. You define success and define what it is to be cool. But isn't being a super quarterback cool enough, without the big wheels? Don't you care that we are growing ever more dependent on foreign oil and changing our climate in ways that could wreck the lives of future generations? Did you realize what kind of statement you were making when you chose the Escalade?
Of course, you could quickly make my point a moot point. You could trade that $60,000 Escalade for a new Toyota Prius and get $37,000 in change. The battery on board that baby will help you boost your gas mileage to 35 mpg, even on congested Indianapolis streets. You'll be making the right statement when pull up to the RCA Dome. Everyone will be cheering you except for Exxon, Iran and other oil producers. And you'll be my hero again.
Yours truly,
Charles Alexander, former environment editor of TIME magazine
Last but not least, NY Rabbi SHMULEY BOTEACH shares some tips with Britney Spears:
BRITNEY SPEARS has received some stern words of advice from a celebrity Rabbi.
In an open letter to Britney, New York spiritual leader and author RABBI SHMULEY BOTEACH shares tips including: "Once you become a parent, Britney, life gets really serious... We can all pretend that life is one big party devoid of responsibility.
"And rarely being home, or coming home drunk, or letting your kids see you in a degraded state, will permanently scar your kids."
Shmuley continues, "Soon your boys will be surfing the Internet.
"They'll see a lot of photos of you in poses that no son should ever see their own mother... Try and be home with your kids... Cover up... Limit the visits to the nightclubs."
The spiritual leader ends his letter by saying, "I know you can get your life together, Britney."
Music
Featured Album: Jeff Tweedy, Sunken Treasure, Live in the Pacific Northwest
Jeff Tweedy - "Sunken Treasure"
Jeff Tweedy - "Summerteeth"
Jeff Tweedy - "The Thanks I Get"
Jeff Tweedy - "Airline to Heaven"
Jeff Tweedy - "How to Fight Loneliness"
Tokyo Police Club MP3
In less than a month I'll be heading down to Madison to catch The Cold War Kids and Tokyo Police Club at the Annex, and what better way to get ready for that show than with another Tokyo Police Club track. This one is off the UK release of TPK's single "Cheer It On" which came out Feb 5th on Memphis Industries.
Tokyo Police Club - "Citizens of Tomorrow (Space Ballad)"
And last but not least, and just in time for Valentine's Day...
Don't fret if Cupid's arrow misses you tomorrow, as Cassettes Won't Listen (nom de laptop of Jason Drake) has a solution: strut the walk of shame. The multi-instrumentalist/ producer has covered Liz Phair's 1993 breakout cut, "Fuck and Run," giving the song an electro-fueled facelift, replete with synth womps and hyper-speed drum machine beats. Though he predicts one day waking up alone, Drake's take on casual encounters is so infectious, it'll be hard to see past tomorrow. - Spin.com.Cassettes Won't Listen - "Fuck and Run"